No, no, people, it wasn't really Bill Cosby! That was to paint a picture in your head. Being in that class is what it would have been like if Bill had been there... and I suspect he would have brought Jell-O pudding, but that's neither here nor there.

Now, on to my award. The CEO generously bestowed on me the "Nice Matters" award. Now I'm supposed to say some nice things and pass it on. Well, here's the nice stuff: Thank you. Thank you very much. It's nice to know that the things I do matter. It's nice to know that the blogger community reads my stories and laughs, knowing that I'm telling on myself 99% of the time. And now I pass it on to all of you. I pass on the ability to let your kindness matter in the world. Get out there. Spread it around. Make your own life better by making a difference in someone else's.

Tomorrow night starts our new Farmville volleyball league. I spent the evening helping assemble the brand new poles and net, preparing for our 6pm start time (lest we be trying to set the net up for the 2 hours we get to play). As we finished, we looked at the flyer advertising the new event. "Open Gym for Adult: Begins Oct. 8". Okay, #1) Adults. There should be adults. It's a game for teams! and #2) It begins Oct. 1. Tomorrow. I made the contact that got the ball rolling and I've confirmed the date at least twice. Oct. 1. Not to worry, though. We've got the key to the gym and a group of players ready to go, so we're starting with or without the Recreation Department!

So they say that you never really know what someone is going through until you've walked a mile in their shoes, right? Well, strap a pair of mine on people, but be careful what you step in, 'cause I'm going to be wanting them back...



Last night's yoga class... hmmmmm... how to do it justice? Everyone's seen The Cosby Show, right? Remember Bill Cosby's character, Cliff Huxtable? He was the guy in front of me in class last night. The instructor had been fairly "normal" for a yoga instructor. I mean, minimal "find your heart light" and "feel the echo of the universe in the window of your soul" kind of stuff. Very calm and relaxing, but really not a lot of the stuff that makes people mock yoga. I liked it.



This week, the class had doubled in size. All the friendly faces from last week, plus some new ones... including one horribly bendy sorority chick who felt it necessary to do everything perfectly. I swear, I will throw my ninja cat right at her face if she shows up next week. Anyway, a very nice couple was in the front row, and my open mat was right behind them. No problem. Now, this yoga class is in a big metal building/gym type thing, so it's not terribly quiet, and it echoes a lot. The ambigulously gay duo planted themselves right behind me since one of them had adopted a "high fiber diet that was REALLY giving him some results". I was glad the fans blow from the front toward the back. It sounds like a small jet engine is taking off, but I figure it's better than lying in a pool of my own stinky sweat.



The class got started, and all was going well until I realized that Cliff Huxtable was in front of me. You talk about the least bendy man ever! I don't think he came near a pose all night. And the grunts, people, the grunts! He grunted and groaned, squeeked and puffed his way through the warm up. I was choking back the laughter from the get-go. Imagine Bill Cosby doing yoga, and you'll know what I was 4 feet from. Anyway, we get into the first "down dog" of the sun salutations, and he farts. I don't mean a silent-but-deadly, either! He ripped it, and it ECHOED in that gym. I looked between my legs at the AGD and whispered "That wasn't me!" just so they knew. We were giggling silently to ourselves when he did it again. I swear to the 7lb 6oz Tiny Baby Jesus, the instructor starts in with "Squeeze your buttocks! It feels good to do it! Tighten those sphincters! It's so natural and effortless!" She says it about 50 more times through the 1.5 hour class. I freakin' lost it. I have never been so greatful for fans in my life! I swear, at least the smell flew past me and into the back of the gym.



But the instructor and her sphincter talk. Almost.Killed.Me.



Now, let's be giving those shoes back.

quick updates...

Okay, here are the updates as I see them (while I eat pancakes!)... I'll post full stories later.

• Yoga last night: I did a little better. Unfortunately, the guy on the mat in front of me was the first to fart. And he farted a lot! The guy behind me snored during the "deep relaxation".
• I totally saw a neighbor in his underwear... and it was NOT good.
• The secretary at work asked how my back was. When I told her it was getting better and that the pain had localized into my right butt cheek mostly, she responded, "Well, I guess that's good, but for you that's still a lot of pain!" I know she meant well, but really!
• The CEO has given me the this...

The latest entry in the Oz Olympics...

The finished product...

The bedroom, of course! This is the comforter that lived at the farm for 3 years while I traveled. I loved it too much to leave it at the store, and definitely too much to have it be torn up while I moved around. I'm still as in love with it as the day I bought it. Ma King made the curtains for me!

The bathroom has turned out just peachy... or ambery, as the case may be.
Okay, here's the dining room! My perfect chairs are about 3 inches too tall (but please, please don't say they're not perfect) so I got wood risers to try. Not so pretty, but totally functional. I'm sure there's something better that can be done (like saw off 3 inches of the chair legs, but I'm trying not to do that for a while!

I'm done painting! And by "done painting" I mean "I still have to do the 2nd bedroom, but not for at least a month!" Aren't you proud? Today was a marathon session and I got my bedroom and bathroom done. (I promise I'll take pictures soon and then it will be just like you came to visit... except you won't have Pooh King hair on you for a week!) A thousand years ago, when I was 16, we moved to SC. I thought Mom and Dad knew how grown up I was when they let my friend Robin and me paint my bedroom. Now I know that the idea of painting one more 12x12 room made them want to poke their eyes out. By the way, that bedroom was pink. Really pink. A pink that does not belong in a grownup house, and is not in mine now. Whooo hoo!

The first yoga class was pretty good. In real life I hurt my back a few weeks ago, so I had to modify any yoga position that required bending forward. In a beginner class, that's about all of them. I think this prevented any inadvertant flatulence on my part. At least for this week. There are 6 people in the class, including an ambiguously gay duo and their not so ambiguous boyfriend. Everyone was very nice and I think it will be a fun group to spend Wednesdays with for the next 6 weeks, and I'm sure we'll all stop using our best behavior and indoor voices soon.

I promise, I'll be done painting soon. I painted the "oops" walls and kitchen last night. Just need to do some finish-work and that part's done! Hopefully will get my bedroom and bathroom painted on Saturday. I can't believe how much I love the look! I even changed my mind about painting the trim on the firplace brown... it looks great white now that the face is green and the adjoining walls are "August Moon". It's turning into such a cozy warm little apartment! Now I look around and can't believe it was all white! I told the apartment manager they would have to burn me out some day, 'cause I'm never leaving.

I'll be back to my ridiculous ways soon... like, my yoga class starts tonight. That's bound to lead to many stories of hijinx and hilarity. I expect there may be some unexpected farting as well. Stay tuned!

before and after... 'cause it's more dramatic this way

I heart home improvement!

Painting

The painting is about 2/3 of the way finished in the main living area. (My bedroom will be done within a few weeks.) It's looking fantastic! August Moon, Edemame, and Golden Oak.

Now the Zen entry is kicking some color.
The white walls will soon be gone!
Dining room walls...
And, last, but not least... The "oops" wall. The awesome bosslady, KD, was a painting machine today! She showed up in full paint-ready gear, complete with headband, and took control of the roller. I did the taping and trim-type stuff, and she covered the walls. I was in the dining room doing the area near the ceiling when I turned around and saw Katie rolling the dark color all over the wall. "Ummm, Katie? I think that's exactly NOT the color we said was going on that wall." I cracked up! Until this point, we really hadn't had anything go wrong. So she stopped, and I'm going to paint over it. I guess it might take more than one coat, but it will work out fine. It made us laugh hard! Note to self... in the future, pre-mark the walls with the right color before you turn your back on the crew!

Roanoke Greek Festival

On Saturday I went to the 2nd annual Roanoke Greek Festival. Good times. Now, some say when in Rome? Well, when in Roanoke...

This granny did some serious shakin' it!
You know that this guy gets laid after every festival on the circuit!
Apparently this guy took a wrong turn on his way to the Celtic festival. He played along with the Greek band from the sidelines just for fun.

I asked this guy if I could take his picture. He said, "Sure, if you'll come to the Renaissance Fair!"

Ummmm, okay dude. Since when were the Vikings part of the Renaissance?

This is a true story...

How to kill yourself, or perhaps your cat, with a bike and a ceiling hook, by TK.

• Drill a hole into the ceiling in the laundry room.
• Screw in the first of the heavy gauge bike hooks you bought at WalMart.
• Hang the bike from the hook.
• Stand back and admire your handy-work for about 2 minutes.
• Drill hole and place bike hook for second bike.
• Pick up second bike and attempt to put it on hook.
• DO NOT PEE YOUR PANTS WHEN THE FIRST BIKE HOOK PULLS OUT OF THE CEILING AND YOUR BIKE CRASHES TO THE FLOOR, SMASHING THE CAT'S LITTER BOX INTO SMITHEREENS.
• Attempt to hang the second bike anyway, and watch it do the same thing.
• Buy a stud-finder and a new litter box at WalMart.
• Hang out at local bar with stud-finder and test your luck.

Disputed

I just disputed two charges on my CitiBank card. First, a $XXX charge at WalMart from the DAY AFTER I got to Farmville. Now people, let's remember that I worked and bought furniture (NOT FROM WALMART) on Tuesday, August 14. I had been to Wally World that morning, but for a much smaller charge, which also appears on my statement. Then on Aug 23, there's a $XXX charge (also not made by me) on a day when I had been to Wally for a much smaller ticket price.

Can you believe that shit?

Update: Holy crapola. I'm an idiot. In going through my receipts, I found receipts for both charges, made by me. I crack myself up. Now I have to call the Dispute Department tomorrow and retract my dispute. Note to self: I heart my television.

Who the hell has brass cajones big enough to SING at Luciano Pavarotti's funeral?

Damn.

I did not pierce my face with a fish hook. I also did not hook a fish. Can you believe that smack? (That's right, I just used the word "smack". Don't you judge me.) Good thing I didn't go pro years ago. Of course, I had to point out that if I caught my ear with a hook, everyone should just leave it alone because no one was likely to notice anyway.

It was a fantastic day at Bugg's Island Lake. We picked up the boat at 9am... or actually 9:30, since we had arrived about 15 minutes early and they were still closed, so we went to Hardee's where they were out of biscuits. If only we had known before we ordered biscuits. Oh well, back to the story.

Within 10 minutes of being pulled into a "fishy-looking spot", Jenny had pulled in a Bass. She felt the need to parade it around, kiss it, and point out that she held the 3 most important fishing titles of the day already... first fish, biggest fish, and most fish. Bitch. The fish attempted to escape, so Jenny drop-kicked his ass into the back of the boat. Fish abuser. Anyway, I was just sure that my big fish was only moments away. Surely landing the first fish within 10 minutes of being out was a good sign, right?

Apparently, it was a good sign for Dianne, who landed a catfish. And then it was a good sign for Bob who landed a bigger catfish. All I landed was a Corona and a place to prop my feet.

The day was beautiful... and I had SPF 45 and a canopy to sit under on the pontoon boat. The albino girl was at high risk! Before we knew it, it was time to turn the boat in. I fished right up until the last minute. Well, you could call it fishing, or you could call it casting. Probably should go with casting.

My new mirror... I love it!!!! It may wind up above my bed as a headboard.
I absolutely love my living room. I spend my evenings moving from seat to seat making sure they all get equal love.
I know there are mixed feelings about the screen above the television. I love it. Case closed.
I heart my chair. It may not photograph well, but trust me, if you're ever lucky enough to see it in real life, you will heart it, too.
My new dresser. Don't mind the Rubbermaid "used to be my dresser" thing. It's going to live in a closet. The wireless router and hard drive will also live in a more inconspicuous place by tomorrow night!

I am waaaaaaaaay behind on blogging, and I'm even farther behind on reading all my favorites. Sorry 'bout that. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day on a pontoon boat. We'll be eating, drinking, reading, and fishing.

Dear 7 pound, 6 ounce Tiny Baby Jesus, please don't let me end up with a fish hook in my face.