(This is a close replication of a conversation I had with my whipping boy sometime last week)
Voicemail: (Jay, my whipping boy) Hey, Tiffany, I need to talk to you. Call me as soon as you can.
(inside Tiffany's head): Shit. I'm getting fired. Or Jay's getting fired. Probably Jay. He's always saying crap that can get him fired. So am I. (If anyone cared.)
TK: Did you get fired or did you quit?
Jay: Neither, but I do have a new job.
TK: Are you f'ing kidding me?
Jay: Nope. I'm still with the company, but I'm taking a different position and moving over to the marketing side of the business.
TK: Are you sure you didn't get fired?
Jay: Yes.
TK: What the hell's going to happen to me? This sucks! (continues to rant and rave for several minutes about how this will affect me me me!!!)
Jay: I had to match my travelers with new recruiters (aka whipping boys) based on personality.
TK: Shit. I'm getting fired aren't I? No one else can handle me.
Jay: Nope, you're getting handed off to (something unintelligable that started with a C).
TK: Did you just say Carl? I can't possibly be handled by a Carl. Carl can't be good.
Jay: I didn't say Carl. I would never give you to a Carl. You couldn't possibly be handled by a Carl. I'm giving you to Chris. He sits right next to me. He's cool.
TK: I don't like the sound of this. (But I do have some good Chris's in my life.)
Fast forward to today. I talk to my new whipping boy. We'll be calling him CL. He doesn't think he's cool enough to go by initials, but I'll be the judge of that. Everyone wave at CL... he's probably reading this right now. *waves and does a high-kick... Hi CL*
My first impression? CL must be as big as a house. He has a big voice. Big like my cousin Chris, who played college football. Sweet jesus, I'm being handled by a jock. I'll bet he was a lineman. Why a lineman? Because they're (some of) the only ones who actually get a degree. And he sounds big. Linemen are big.
Conversation with CL goes great. I'm thinking he must be one of those weirdos who has a voice that doesn't match his body. Until this:
TK: blah blah blah, something about watching "Friends" reruns, at work, because that's what I do.
CL: Yuck. I hate "Friends". I never got it. (or something to that effect)
TK: Because you clearly don't have a sense of humor. Dear god, you're into SciFi, aren't you?
CL: Define SciFi
TK: Did you stay up last night to watch the premiere of "Heroes"?
CL: Well, I didn't stay up.
TK: We're breaking up right now. Go find me a recruiter who liked Friends.
CL: Well, I can say that I like Star Wars, but I'm not a Trekkie.
TK: Which one of the Star Wars movies do you think is best?
CL: Some crap answer about one of the new ones (the prequels)
TK: boooooooooooooooooo.
CL: Something about getting cool points for meeting David Schwimmer at a Northwestern promo-type thing (Schwimmer's an alum) when he played football for them.
TK: (in my head: ding ding ding! We have a winner!!!) Yes, 10 cool points for meeting David Schwimmer. blah blah blah, something about a guy who high-fived Jay Leno.
CL: I shook his hand once, but I didn't high five him. We were filming some segment for his show before we played in the ROSE BOWL.
TK: You know I'm going to find that on YouTube.
CL: I don't know if they actually showed it since we lost.
TK: LAUGHS OUT LOUD!!!! Oh my god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh out loud. That wasn't nice. (Ya, I know, I'm driving the bus to hell.)
CL: Ya, thanks.
So I do a google search for CL. I got a lot of hits, mostly about a comment he made about the football recruit sex scandal at CU a few years ago, and that he was on ESPN2's ColdPizza (about the same topic). And he was a lineman (at least that's what Paper Boy said, since I don't actually know what a split-end does. I only know what they are in hair and what product to use to prevent them.) **addendum: Paper Boy says he DID NOT tell me that a split-end is a lineman. I obviously am incapable of understanding the basics of football positions. I will stop trying to understand, and simply go back to rooting for my favorite players in tight pants, regardless of what team they're on. Case closed.**
Maybe he can handle this.
By the way, if you google me, you get NOTHING. Nada. What a crock. I'm totally google-able. Well, I should be.
Hey, CL, sorry about the Rose Bowl. **and the Citrus Bowl**
16 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm glad you did. You are funny. I'll definitely be back. Love the music too.
Awwww, thanks Phil! Your blog is hi-larry-ass too.
I was in the process of changing the music (which I do all the time) when you posted. This song just seems to fit my life too... much like Chocolate did.
Totally wanna be handled by a lineman.
First, there is nothing wrong with Heroes. Second, a split end is a type of receiver, remember the position you brother played on offense. Its like a tight end but back off the line. He is probably big, but be nice to him and he will get you good jobs. Be mean and you will be back in a trailer park fighting the wind and looking at a prison yard full of large men you don't ever want to meet.
Your Bro.
Don't make fun of the trailer park... or the prison.
You googled me? I don't know if I feel dirty or excited. Just so you have some numbers to reference I am 6'4" weigh 385 pounds have a 22" neck and wear a size 60 jacket. I also wanted to thank you for realizing that offensive lineman are the most intelligent players and almost always earn their degrees. I am compiling a list of jobs close to trailer parks we have on the schedule as we speak and I will email them to you once I am done.
Ummmm...
A) You don't get to be CL anymore NWB (new whipping boy)
B) No matter what you say, I will not give you my measurements.
C) Good people live in trailer parks. Good people.
That's only what people in trailer parks say.
You've just offended a large portion of my loyal readers... and my family.
CL she lies, like many people in trailer parks. But, you can usually do the best mullett hunting there. It's one of Tiffany's favorite things to do.
Well, I was a quarterback, and threw to the tight and split ends. I have a 22" neck, I stand 5' 10" and wear a size 50 jacket, and finished a couple of degress. Now, about working at the prison and trailer park..
Ryan- I'm wearing a mullet wig at your wedding. It will match the fur on the boots I just bought to wear with the strapless gown.
CEO- I'll put you in a cage match with CL if necessary. I LIVED in the trailer park, which happened to be next to I-70 (seriously, like 25 yards away) with the prison directly across the highway from me. Thankfully, I did not work at the prison, just prayed that noone got out! (and that a truck didn't roll over on the highway, and that there wouldn't be any tornadoes.)
Tiff, you better watch yo' ass, else that big 'ol boy on the other end of the phone gonna put your tiny little but in some slimey places you ain't never wanna be. (Hey, CL ahem, NWB, I'd love Tiffany to be somewhat closer to me, so we could share hair days, insults from my kids, and break a few lamp posts, any chance you could happen to find a fabulous, can't refuse offer in CT?) ~Amy in you guessed it CT
Man - none of my recruiters sounds like CL, I mean NWB. The last one was good - but before that I always get the nasal-y, old lady from Brooklyn or something... This particular lady was a big believer in pre-destination, ghosts of relatives from the past... I was just waiting for her to fly to meet me and do some "good luck" dance on my head... thankfully it never came to that.
CT Amy: Do you remember who I am? "Tiny little ass"? Ha ha ha ha!!!
Jules: At least she didn't fly in on a broom.
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