'Cause I like to name the guilty ones

About 2 months ago, PB and I were headed to the gym at o'my-god-it's-early-in-the-morning. Before I got to the ONLY traffic light on the way to the gym (which is about 2 miles from my apartment) it turned green. I slowed slightly (as I usually do just to make sure no assholes are going to hit me) and started through the intersection. Just then I saw a white truck come racing toward my passenger side door and heard the screeching of brakes. I gave the dude behind the wheel my patented "stare of death", pointed at the light, and mouthed "watch out for the red light, buddy." PB was in his car, right behind me, and saw the whole thing. Keep this in mind.

When we got to the gym parking lot, the dude in the white truck was right behind us. Turns out, he was on his way to the gym, too. He started toward the door, then turned around and said, "Excuse me, but did you say something to me back there?" Uh, yeah, I told you to watch out for the red light. We went back and forth about whether screeching brakes indicated that he was or was not in the process of running the red light and about to hit me, PB (of course) was on my side. When PB spoke up, the dude turns around and is like, "Oh, hi PB." 'Cause he knows PB. And he's acting like nothing, NOTHING, happened and that he hasn't been acting like a complete ass. So the dude walked in, I turned around and looked at PB and asked who the hell that was and he said, "Car Coop Kenny. He's just like that."

Well, of course he is. He's Kenny. Crazy Kenny of Kenny's Car Coop. That red light running bastard owns a used car lot. It all makes so much sense to me now. I pass his Car Coop every day, usually at least twice, and I give him the finger every time... just because it makes me feel good.

So, last week, as I was pulling into the local Starbucks, I realized Crazy Kenny was pulling into the same parking lot. Well, hell if I was going to stand in line behind that bastard. I hurried up and made sure I beat him into the store so at least he had to be behind me. Ha ha! Plus, I'm chatty with the morning barista and figured I could slow Crazy Kenny down by at least a few minutes, and that pleased me in a petty, sadistic way.

Kay had been in a horrible car accident (ironically, around the same time Kenny about creamed me) and she knows I drive a lot, so as she does every time I see her, on my way away from the bar she said, "Be careful out there!"

Well, I couldn't help but respond, "Oh, I will Kay, but you know it's always the other guy you have to watch out for!" in a loud, confident, clear, resounding voice. That please me, but not as much as Kay's final words...

"No kidding... IT'S ALWAYS THE OTHER GUY THAT'S THE ASSHOLE!!!"

So my extremely good ninja-razzi skills were really put to the test in Pittsburgh. The targets were unreasonably nimble considering the close quarters into which we were packed. After reviewing the pics, PB and I realized we had a new category of pictures... Those in which the intended target isn't nearly as awesome as the dude who is accidentally in the picture.
See below...

The scary lady in the picture is the intended target. The fat guy in the background has on a t-shirt that says "Shut up and train". Train for what? The Krispy Kreme finals? Now that's an event I can get behind.

The target? Oh boy in the sweet bandana. Funnier guy? Totally wearing the "Show me the honey" shirt.

Intended photo: Scary arms on the she-male on the right. Funnier picture: Dude on the left advertising for the gun show.

And seriously... Obviously, the intended target is another she-male that PB was afraid of getting pounded by if she realized I was taking her picture. Funnier picture? Realizing that old lady was at the body building competition. You'd be surprised at some of the folks that show up!

More guys that got their hair did...

Pretty tips

The oh-so-natural hair-plug-meets-comb-over

Ninjered

Because you've been patiently waiting...

First Place in the Cruella DeVille Impersonation Category

First Place in the "Wrong Place to Hang Your Sunglasses" Category

First Place in the "Mom Picked My Socks" Category

This dude doesn't even fit into a category... but the little dude on the right tried to sneak in and got busted.

Oh, people, I've been busy. This two jobs thing is for the birds! I'm helping out a nursing home 3 days per week for the next 3 weeks while their therapist is gone. They would really like me to work 2 days a week (4 hours a day) in the future, but I'm not so sure. It turns out I don't really like working more than 40 hours a week. Hell, I've never liked working more than 40 hours a week. Anyway, it's made for a long week already, and I still have tomorrow to go. Then I work Wednesday, Friday and Saturday for 2 weeks. This is not a schedule I will be keeping up after that, for sure! But I do so enjoy the old people. It has been my goal to get each patient outside for part of their treatment. Really, nobody should be missing the glorious spring weather we've had this week, especially old people in a nursing home.

I did 40 minutes on the stairmaster today. If you had told me (ever) that I would do 40 minutes on the stairmaster I would have thrown my ninja cat right at your face. Still, though, the pounds are not falling off. I am seriously, seriously, tired of standing on the scale and having it spew out the same numbers. Shit. I had a conversation with a patient today about how much easier it is to be overweight than to try to lose it. We agreed that pie tastes better than most other things on the planet. He told me not to go losing too much weight because I'm a "Daisy May" in his opinion. Then he explained that Daisy May was a cartoon character with an hourglass figure, and compared her to Daisy Duke. Yeah, I guess I can handle that. I just want it in a smaller version.

When PB and I went to the 'Burgh we got to see a friend of ours (that's him up there at the top) compete in a bodybuilding competition. The dude competes in the 50+ category, and I seriously thought he was in his 30s. I had NO FREAKIN' CLUE he was 50. And here I was feeling fancy over my patients thinking I'm in my 20s. All the biggest names in bodybuilding were there, and it was pretty cool. They came within feet of us, and I thought PB might actually have to sit there in his pee pants all night long. We saw my Jackass and SIL, along with their two monster puppies, and even had time to see Peg, Chris, J and Baby May for breakfast AND a t-ball game! Serious fun!!!

The biggest names (and bodies) in body building

Baby May's not-so-subtle-doggy-style-begging.

J kickin' the cool hat while rounding 3rd!

Of course, you should stay tuned because you KNOW I took pictures of some serious fashion faux pas at the body building show!

Oh, those funny old folks

Last week I went out to see a patient with very advanced Alzheimer's Disease. He's very sweet, but doesn't know a whole lot about what's going on with him these days. Well, most of the time, anyway. I was the 3rd person from Home Health to cross his threshhold. The nurse is a very big woman. The OT is a big woman. And, well, I'm not small. So as I got to him, I introduced myself and told him I was from therapy.

Him: Oh my! They've sent me another big one! (Then his hand sneaks quickly over his mouth) Oh my, I'm not supposed to say things like that.

Me: Him, (pats hips) we prefer "hearty".

Him: I'm not supposed to say that.

Me: (smiling) Him, just because you've got Alzheimer's doesn't mean you're always wrong.

Guess who went to Primanti Brothers?

And you thought I was the one with food issues!

Primanti Bros is known for putting french fries and coleslaw on the sandwich. Hmmm... maybe next time we're in the 'Burgh we'll skip it. Of course, when I told Peggy where we were going she said, "I can't believe YOU'D eat there twice!" She knows me well, that girl.